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Pretty Little Liars, "Thrown from the Ride"

As promised, here is the recap from last week’s PLL! Previously on Pretty Little Liars, shit went down.  Yes.  That’s the basic recap.

Of all things, Hanna and Aria are looking at books.  Aria talks to Hanna about her recent change in hair color.  Then Hanna finds a book that used to be Shana’s.  Why did Shana’s last name change?  I’m pretty sure it was something else earlier… Anyway.  Aria reads WAY too much into the lines that Shana has highlighted in The Scarlet Letter.  Take a chill pill, chica.  Hanna tries to make Aria forget it, and then Mona shows up.  Good old Mona.  She makes some passive aggressive remarks about Alison going back to school and Shana not needing the book anymore.  Because she’s dead.  Creepy music plays.  You know the Mona routine.

Let me just take a moment to mention something that has seriously been bothering me.  They keep talking about Alison going back to school.  But… like, she missed TWO FREAKING YEARS of school!  It’s not like she can just start back up halfway through her senior year, like the other girls.  She’s behind.  And she probably can’t do math.  Can you imagine Alison doing math homework?  It’s a little bit comical, right?  No, that girl physically can’t go back to school.  If she does, I’m going to write a letter to I. Marlene King, because of all the unbelievable things on this show, Alison returning to school like nothing happened would be the unbelievable-est.  And seriously.  I’d like to see that girl do a couple mathematical proofs.

Anyway, now Alison has gone through some of her clothes to donate to Goodwill.  And her dad is being a dick about it.  Sometimes we run away so we don’t get killed and then come back and lie about being kidnapped and after all that, we don’t like the same clothes anymore.  Just, like, get over it, Dad.  Sheesh.  Oh, and there Alison goes again, talking about needing a backpack and “notepads” to go back to school.  Notepads?  Really?  Like, this kind?

Maybe they should be taking notes on all the lies...

Mr. D tries to convince Alison to move away to the place he moved when he realized his wife was psychotic.  Alison balks and whines and pleads to stay in Rosewood.  Why?  Seriously, though, why?

Spencer’s mom is watching the police or whoever walk in circles around the crime scene tape in the Hastings’ backyard.  She complains about the noise of shovels while she tried to sleep on the couch the previous night.  There are some many unexplained things in that sentence, so I’m just going to leave that there.

Spencer tries to get her mom to talk about Melissa and her dirty, dirty secret, but Veronica isn’t biting.  Mr. H comes downstairs and creeps the crap out of everyone.  But, he does announce that the police will be gone by the end of the day.  Spencer tells her mom that she wants to keep talking about Melissa, but her mom is way more concerned about the state of their yard.  Spencer promises to find someone to help them replant, since Toby is away on a job (oh, sigh, that means no sexy time this episode).

Flash to Mona and Lucas (!!) discussing the plan in a dark room.  That suits them perfectly.  Lucas is having second thoughts about sabotaging Alison’s new life, and Mona won’t “call it off,” whatever that means.  She says she has proof that Alison made up the whole dang thing, and she’s going to show it to Lucas.  Proof?  What proof does she have?  At least we know that Lucas still has a heart.  I always liked him.

Emily has a notepad!  Huh.  Rosewood is a strange place.  Anyway, she’s coaching Sydney, the new girl, on her swimming technique, and they plan to meet up again the next day, a Saturday.  This is, apparently, a big deal.  No one usually swims on Saturdays in Rosewood, I guess.  After explaining why she doesn’t want to spend much time at home these days, Emily agrees to meet Sydney at the same time tomorrow for Secret Swimming Saturday.  It also appears that Emily is avoiding Alison’s calls.  Then, Emily runs into Paige, who is still looking like a puppy who got kicked by the owner that she has only been trying so hard to love.  It’s sad and awkward and I want Paily back.

Aria has a great line in the next scene.

Spencer:  It’s better than sitting in the cafeteria.

Aria:  We’re still a freak show.  Just… a freak show in natural light.

Priceless.  Especially because Hanna starts comparing them to lobsters.

Aria is freaking out about Mona.  Everyone is freaking out about Alison.  Hanna hit someone in the head with a dodgeball.  Then Alison texts them all to fill them in on her mother’s autopsy.  I text my friends about those types of things all the time, too.  Spencer reads aloud that they can’t yet determine the cause of death, and Hanna… oh, Hanna.

Hanna:  Cause of death was murder, duh.

She’s the best.

The girls discuss that none of them believe that Spencer’s family had anything to do with Mrs. D’s death.  Spencer’s face says that she’s not so sure.

Alison, meanwhile, is texting Emily, trying to get her to call her back.  She almost signs the text “A” before thinking better of it.  Smart.  Although, I don’t know if I’ve ever signed a text?  Is that a thing?

Mr. D walks into her room asking if she’s hungry.  Then he says that he can’t put off Alison’s trip to the doctor anymore – Detective Man wants an exam.  Alison, again, whines and pleads and carries on about not wanting to do it.  Basically, Mr. D says “too bad,” because he’s been holding off the detective long enough.

Alison is really starting to annoy me.  She keeps getting caught in lie after lie, and therefore, keeps bitching and moaning.  I liked it better when she was “dead,” in a way.  Does that make me a bad person?

Andrew is back!  I love Andrew!  He checks in with Spencer, to make sure she’s not “popping pills like breath mints,” as Spencer puts it.  They chat.  I love him all over again (more than Toby, perhaps?).  Then, Spencer says she has a question to ask him… boom!  Cheap labor for the yard!  She’s tricksy.  But Andrew is great.  Have I said that I love Andrew?

Aria is wearing a killer hat and chilling in the dark, checking her email.  Ezra emails her.  She’s happy.  Then she gets a chat from “theatregirl,” who says something cryptic, like “if it were me, I wouldn’t be able to forget it.”  Or something like that.  Theatregirl?  Shana?  Aria’s tweaking, you can tell.  She asks who it is, and learns it’s… Becca from AP History.  Oh, Aria.  The thing that gets me most about that, though, is that Aria is in AP History.  She doesn’t strike me as a history buff… at all.  Older guys, not older stuff, you know?

Then, get this, she googles Shana.  And there’s a video of her funeral!  What?  Really?  A lady with a voice that sounds amazing – like Amber Riley, who plays Mercedes on Glee – is singing a gospel song, and then Aria watches Shana sit up in her casket.  Or does she?  Are Aria’s eyes playing tricks on her?  I certainly hope so.  This isn’t Ravenswood, after all.

Hanna is sitting at the Brew, pretending she’s doing homework when she’s really texting Travis.  Ugh.  Travis.  Go away so Caleb can come back.  And who shows up but… Lucas!  Remember, they were friends, way back when.  He tries to talk to her about Alison, and Hanna neither confirms nor denies.  She’s able to escape when her phone rings.  It’s Alison, of course.  Ali convinces Hanna to go to the medical exam with her.  Go figure.

Emily is looking for Sydney in the locker room and instead comes upon Paige.  They actually have a nice chat, and Emily invites Paige to join them.  Aww.  Paily!

Andrew is helping Spencer with labor and sporting some Dorothy pigtails.  He begs for a break, asking for either a snack or some Spencer lovin’.  She denies him, saying she’s still with Toby, which is just so sad to me.  Anyway.  Spencer babbles on about her mom and how they’re all afraid that one of the Hastings’ killed Mrs. D.  Andrew is adorably confused, and Spencer tells him not to worry his pretty little mind.  Which is what I would say, too.  Then Spencer comes across a possum… who ate a ton of rat poison.  Rat poison?  Turns out it was bought last week.  The plot thickens!

Emily, Paige, and Sydney are getting some lunch.  Emily and Paige reminisce on their good times, and Sydney somehow hasn’t caught on yet that they were lovers in the nighttime.  Things are going well… until Paige sees Mona lurking.  Then everything turns to ice.

Alison is getting her exam.  The doctor says she has powerful lungs, and then he pokes around her head, looking at the place where the rock smashed her skull.  He wants Alison to come back for an X-ray, to see if particles are trapped in the wound?  Huh?  I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing, but I guess I’m not a doctor.

Emily is folding some clothes and chatting with Spencer and Aria about her friend-date with Paige (and Sydney).  She doesn’t understand why Paige just shut down out of nowhere.  She didn’t see Mona, obviously.  Aria suggests that Paige is scared of being rejected again.  Then Aria says that she “couldn’t help but notice” that Emily has been pretty MIA about Alison.  Spencer remarks that Aria has, too, which is how Aria noticed – she’s been doing the same thing.  Aria asks if Emily still has feelings for Alison, and Emily says she doesn’t know.  Then Aria asks about how Emily felt after the thing with Nate.  You know, after she also killed a guy.  They bond over it.  It’s sort of weird.

He then makes her lie back for an, ahem, exam.  Oh, and Hanna is in the room for all of this, which would NEVER be allowed by a real doctor.  He finds an ugly scar on her upper thigh, and she lies, saying she got it a month ago.  The doctor implies that he knows it’s older than that, but Alison just starts crying and moaning and whining, and he leaves.  Her story is unraveling, and Hanna knows it.

Spencer arrives home to find her mom sitting there, in a trance.  Spencer says she’s going to make Andrew dinner as a thank you.  Dinner, huh?  Wink wink.  Spencer again tries to plead with her mom to tell her something, and her mom finally caves.  Oh, this is good.  She thinks that Mr. Hastings did it.  Because, after Alison disappeared, Mrs. D came over and was threatening to go to the police and say that Spencer did something to Ali (which isn’t true, if you remember the end of last season).  Mr. Hastings threatened her, saying he’d expose their affair.  But, now that Mr. D was divorcing her and Alison was alive, nothing was stopping her from going to the police now.  Mrs. Hastings thinks her husband did it.  Which makes me almost entirely certain that he did not, because that’s how this show works.

Alison signs some stuff… where’s her dad?  She’s not an adult, right?  Hanna offers to get Alison’s favorite Chinese food from the next town over, and Alison just smiles.  Then she shoves a tape recorder in Hanna’s face and tells her to give it to the other girls to memorize, so they can corroborate the scar story, among other things.  Sheesh.  She’s paranoid.  Maybe she shouldn’t have lied in the first place…

Hanna tries to ask about Alison’s scar, and Ali won’t tell her anything.  She clearly knows something that she doesn’t want to share, and she makes it sound like this huge deal.  Hmm.  I wonder what that’s about.

Spencer is in her room, typing away.  She’s looking up rodenticide, which has a poison warning for humans on it.  Alison texts her and tells her to call.

Paige is getting into her car, and Mona shows up and spooks her.  Mona says that Paige is either with her or against her.  And she says that it would be best for everyone if Alison left Rosewood.  What the heck is going on?  Paige has a great line, though.

Paige:  Mona, I’m just curious… do you ever wonder when you became the very thing you’re afraid of?

Aria is obsessively watching Shana’s funeral, which is so so so creepy.  I can’t get over how creepy that is.

Alison, on the other hand, is on the Rosewood equivalent of Facebook looking at all of the people who hate her.  Spencer jerks the computer away from her, but you can’t unsee things like that.  Alison says that she’s thinking maybe she should leave.  Alison says that the family got the tox screen back from the coroner.  She was poisoned by her own medication – someone tampered with it.  That means that she didn’t get fed rat poison.  Spencer is freaking out.  Alison seems to have read her mind.  She says that she can’t get over the fact that her mom watched someone kill her and just covered it up.  WHO WAS IT?!?!

Aria shows up at Ezra’s apartment, freaking out.  She reveals that she watched Shana’s funeral online many times, and Ezra says that she’s going to have to forgive herself.

Paige is at Emily’s door, but it’s such a different vibe from last time.  Emily even invites Paige inside.  But Paige doesn’t budge.  She says she can’t stay long.  Then she tells Emily that, if Alison comes back to school, she should keep her distance.  Emily is confused, and Paige says that she can’t say anything else, but Alison was well-hated in Rosewood before she disappeared.  And those people are seeking something in return.  Then Paige turns on her heel and leaves, and Emily sees someone in the bushes.  Great.

Hanna is trying on new clothes to go with her new hair.  She’s so edgy and cute now.

Aria is trying to donate money to help cover the cost of Shana’s funeral service.  Ezra returns and catches Aria in the act.  He tries to reason with her, but she’s so so upset.  They are so dang cute.  I hate that they’re also illegal.  It sucks.  Ezra tells the story about how he knows how much his book hurt Aria, and he had to learn to be okay with hurting her.  And then he tells her that they’re going to play checkers.

Hanna is still wearing the new shirt, and then a creepy person is outside her dressing room.  It freaks her out.  Spencer calls Hanna, and she is trying to argue with Hanna about memorizing the tape recording.  Hanna hangs up, then rips the tag off the new shirt and puts her old shirt on over it.  Oh, Hanna.  No good.

Spencer is super upset about the tape recording thing, and she’s clanging plates around while picking up after her and Andrew’s dinner.  She cuts her hand on a knife, and like the gentleman that he is, he rushes to her aid.  #lovehim.  Then Spencer finds the medicine that killed Mrs. D in her medicine cabinet.  Uh oh…

Aria beats Ezra in gin, and then he says that he’s getting tired, because he got shot by a guy, and stuff.  Aria asks if she can stay the night, and Ezra goes and gets her favorite sweatshirt of his.  She freaks out that she’s getting comfortable again, and then runs out.  Yes!  She still loves him so much!

Alison shows off her new backpack to Emily, who then suggests that maybe Alison shouldn’t stay in Rosewood.  Alison snaps at Emily, telling her that they just have to stick together.  All Alison cares about are her own lies.  Emily says that this is the last time she’s going to corroborate with Alison.

Aria is babbling about Ezra, and Spencer spills the whole story about her dad and Mrs. D and their deal.  Then Mr. Hastings gets home, pours himself a drink, and then says that Mrs. Hastings is staying at a spa for a while.  Oh man… I hope he didn’t kill Mrs. Hastings, too!  What a mess!  I kind of think he did do it…

Alison goes back to looking at all the people who hate her.  What a hobby…

And next week (which is really tonight already!) is the 100th episode of the show!  Hooray!  I bet Alison goes back to school… dang logic ruins shows for me.

Until tomorrow, kisses,

-A.

Bachelorette Hometown Dates

"I Hold On" by Dierks Bentley

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