Today is the day before what was going to be my first marathon. But now it’s not. Now, I’m here at the cabin we decided to rent as a giant group, sitting here on the bed and thinking about how disappointed I am in myself. Because I failed at the biggest thing on my bucket list for this year – run a marathon. I realize that I did the best thing for my body, for my knees, and for my spirit. Starting a marathon and not finishing would have been worse on my psyche than not making it to the starting line. But being at the expo today, seeing everyone else’s running shirts and all of the future races advertised, I started to get sad. And the longer I was there, the more I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry about my failure.
I think I’m going to need some time to process all of this. Maybe I’ll feel better after the race tomorrow, when I see the pain I missed out on. Or maybe I’ll feel worse.
I guess we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see.