Today is the perfect day to write about H. It’s been a tough day for me, and he has been just about the only thing making it better. I don’t think I’m going to say much, because I will start crying. Why does H inspire me? Because he understands me. Because, with one look, he knows that I just need to be away from everyone else for a while. Because he stands by me, even when he thinks I may not have done the right thing. Because he looks at me and sees something that I don’t see when I look in the mirror.
Last year, I was having a crisis. I thought I wanted to be an environmental engineer, but I didn’t get into the program. I knew I wanted something different, but I didn’t know what I wanted. I was so down about it, worrying all the time, feeling like I’m failing. And one night, H and I were lying on the couch, and he talked me through it. He told me that he didn’t feel like I was a failure. He thought I was doing just fine, that I didn’t need to worry so much since I was barely out of school. It’s hard, because to me, it’s so easy for him to say. He’s an engineer, so he has a good job. And I’m just a lab tech, so unsatisfied with my job that I dread waking up each morning.[i] But he said that it doesn’t all happen right away. I have to give it time, have to be patient. Well. If you know me, you know how patient I can be.[ii]
He has stood by me, even when I’ve thought it might be better if he left. He is sometimes the only person who can make me smile or laugh when I’m feeling down, and he’s the only one I can think of who can make me so mad that I just fume. But I love him. And he loves me, although I can’t always figure out why. He is the yin to my yang, the puzzle piece next to me that fits just perfectly, someone who challenges me and makes me better every day. I wasn’t sure I would ever find a love like this, because I wasn’t convinced I’d ever become someone worth loving. Some days, I’m still not sure, but H always tells me that I’m being silly, because I should know better.
After everything we’ve been through in our short year together, I can only hope there are many years yet to come. Because I don’t think H will ever stop inspiring me to be the best person I can be.
“I’ve been a walking heartache. I’ve made a mess of me. The person that I’ve been lately ain’t who I want to be. But you stay here right beside me and watch as the storm blows through, and I need you. God gave me you for the ups and downs. God gave me you for the days of doubt. And for when I think I’ve lost my way, there are no words left to say, it’s true. But God gave me you.” —Blake Shelton, “God Gave Me You”